I’ve been involved in a number of scenes where a sub didn’t use their safe word, even when they should have.

Sometimes I was the sub in the scene.

And it can happen for any number of reasons:

• The sub thinks they’ll disappoint the Dom if they call it
• They’re deep in subspace and can’t access words clearly
• The Dom moves too fast for the sub to check in with themselves
• A safe word was never defined

None of these reasons are “okay,” especially the last one. But they do happen. And I want to talk about what to do before you’re in the middle of a scene wondering whether it’s too late to say stop.

Let’s get into some of the most common questions I hear when it comes to safe words — and how to actually use them well.

“Do we have to use a safe word?”
Yes. Period.
If you’re doing any kind of play that could push physical, psychological, or emotional limits, you need a safe word. The singular word is easy to say and it’s a shorthand for “This is too much for me right now” without needing to explain or justify it in the moment. The in-depth conversation can come later.

“Isn’t ‘no’ enough?”
It can be if ‘No’ is the agreed upon safe word. But when it comes to things like consensual non-consent, resistance play, humiliation, or fear, ‘no’ might not mean no. That’s why pre-negotiated signals are critical. Most people use the traffic light system:

This is what I use but I’m not saying you have to. Just find something that works for you and your partner. 

“What if my partner doesn’t respect the safe word?”

Then they’re not safe to play with. That’s it. I don’t care how hot they are or how long you’ve known them. If someone doesn’t stop when you say red, they’re violating consent. It’s not kink anymore, it’s abuse.

“What if I can’t speak during a scene?”

There are tons of non-verbal safe signals that are important to organize if you’re gagged, restrained or in heavy roleplay.. Tapping out, dropping an object, snapping fingers, hand squeezes. The more intense the scene, the more communication you need.

“I feel guilty using it. Like I failed or ruined the mood.”

You didn’t. A good Dom will never punish you for using your safe word. They’ll appreciate the trust it takes to use it. You’re not ruining anything! You’re keeping the scene safe and and the dynamic sustainable. If you want to go to those deep, dark and intense places, you have to play safely and build on it.

ATTN Doms: Get used to asking, “What’s your color?”

Don’t wait for your sub to speak up. Make it a habit to check in with a simple question: “What’s your color?” This gives them a clear, expected moment to check in with themselves and answer honestly. Green means keep going. Yellow means slow down, ask questions, and adjust. Red means stop the scene entirely.

This only works if you’ve agreed on what each color means before you start playing AND if your sub knows they’ll be asked. When you normalize the check-in, it becomes a really easy way to stay connected and in sync throughout the scene.

“My sub doesn’t want to use a safe word. How do I help them get comfortable?”

Practice. No, really. Make a game of it. You can play Simon Says or set up silly challenges where they have to call yellow or red. Things like “Simon says hop on one foot while counting backwards from 100.” Choose something where the stakes are low enough that saying yellow or red feels simple.
And you can tailor the approach. Frame it as the Dom teaching the sub “how to play right” or just let it be a goofy game with a purpose. You’re building a muscle. Then when the stakes are high, it won’t feel so awkward or scary to use the word that keeps them safe.

Okay, those are my top tips for safe words. As a reminder, your dynamics and practices will continue to evolve but some things are foundational. Work on getting this right so you and your partner can go to deeper places if you want, or just know that you’ve got the right guardrails in place in your current dynamic. Got a question about safe words or how to play safely - hit reply and let me know!